Wowtown has been turned into an island in an ocean of fire as an out of control blaze consumes the surrounding woods.
It is believed that the fire was started Thursday when two fireflies collided in mid air over Kindling City, nearly forty miles west of Wowtown. The number of firefly accidents have been up lately, often blamed on the distracting brightness of Mars due to it's closer proximity.
A mean easterly wind sent the fire over the river and through the woods, turning uncountable acres of forest and nearby Elderlyville into cinders. Fortunately it's been reported that all the residents of Elderlyville, most of whom were attending a funeral at the time, were able to survive the blaze that engulfed their town by taking shelter in the crematorium until the fire had passed. Most then fled to Wowtown where they have been taken in by recently established community group the pro-folks.
Due to the direction of the winds combined with the proximity of Wowtown to Lake Wowbegon which has acted like a shield against the flames, the fire's eager attempts to reach us have so far been thwarted. No one is able to enter or leave, however, and a change in wind direction could prove disastrous.
Our town Mascot, Groundhog Al Camus, has offered his network of underground dwellings under Dog Bark Park as potential shelter, as the fire threatens to move into town, for anyone small enough to fit through the entrances. Some of the children from the Deep Sister's Orphanage have already been moved there.
Octopus/pianist Balls Jordan has also offered his underwater lair as potential sanctuary, though it is questionable who might have the necessary breathing apparatus at hand in order to take advantage of his kindness.
CHANGE IN WIND DIRECTION REPORTED
We have just received instructions to notify all citizens to attempt to seek suitable shelter from the flames, and if possible to try and help to extinguish the fire. Outside my window, I see that people and animals are running towards the lake, many with buckets in hand.
Nudity has been encouraged by the city council, and... I am now being ordered to leave the Wowtown Newsroom as it has apparently caught fire! More news later...
VOLUME: UP ISSUE #21
MASSIVE RAINS EXTINGUISH MASSIVE FIRES
Torrential unceasing rains have put an end to the fires that nearly engulfed Wowtown last week. The welcome downpours started four days ago.
As flooding has begun to overtake many areas some citizens are beginning to complain that the rains are overstaying their welcome. Others continue to celebrate the end of the fires. The Tailspin Tavern was seen uprooted from it's usual address, spinning afloat down Main Street which has become more a river than a street. Through the windows a lively rabble of patrons could be witnessed holding their mugs high and singing sea shanties.
Elsewhere some potential terribleness took place when eight small orphans, who had been placed into groundhog holes in Dog Bark Park in an effort to protect them from the threatening flames above, found themselves trapped and in danger of drowning as water began to fill the confined spaces and made it too slippery for them to climb back out.
Our valiant and clever Mayor Easy took a dive into the lagoon in order to seek help from underwater pianist Balls Jordan, our local octopus, who slithered rapidly to the scene and was able to simultaneously reach in, suction-grab and pluck the orphans from their holes, saving them all from near drowning. Several groundhogs, including town mascot Al Camus, had been trapped even deeper beneath the orphans and emerged, sputtering, after them.
Unfortunately, it appears that Mayor Easy himself has disappeared, and it has been reported, alarmingly, that he supposedly cannot swim. Search crews along with Mr. Jordan, fearing the worst, continue to comb the lagoon and surrounding areas.
VOLUME: UP ISSUE #22
WOWTOWN WINTER OFFICIALLY OVER
It was a distinctly overcast morning this Groundhog Day in Wowtown. As town mascot Al Camus emerged sleepily from his hole he hardly even noticed that he cast no dreaded shadow that would have scared him right back down (which, as tradition would have it, would portend an extended winter in Wowtown). He was too distracted instead by the lively gathered throng of townsfolk and their celebratory roar.
It was quite a reception, and he made a grand entrance, putting on airs of nonchalance, stretching and yawning, and finally taking a few graceful bows. But unlike the enthusiastic gathered mob, he was secretly a little disappointed that spring would now officially start, as he'd been enjoying his lengthy and comfortable hibernation wrapped snugly in his soft electric blanket in the warm dark, dreaming endlessly about gorgeous groundhog girls .
After rubbing the sleep from his eyes and adjusting to the brightness above ground he began to notice that the crowd was armed with an alarming plethora of signs, banners and buttons: "My Pal Al", "Al the hog is our TOP DOG", "Al for Mayor", "Al for All" and most disturbingly "Easy Times are Over". What was all this? And where WAS mayor Easy? He'd never missed presiding over the Groundhog Day celebration before, and yet there was his daughter Debbie, standing alone with tears in her eyes, sobbing "My Daddy couldn't swim".
Well, in spite of the glowing reception, this was not Al's idea of a warm welcome. He jumped back into his hole and lit a cigarette.
Could it be that the Mayor, who had gone missing during the torrential rains just before hibernation time last autumn, was really gone for good? Could they possibly be serious about electing Al as his replacement?
Everyone else might be happy with cloudy weather on Groundhog Day, but Al felt himself quite alone in wishing for a little more sunshine.
A brief but explosive debate friday in town square has marked the beginning, and possibly the end, of a race to decide who will take over as Wowtown's new mayor.
Conservative nominee Balls Jordan, the octopus, apparently still suffering from a high degree of guilt over having inadvertently abandoned Mayor Easy (still missing but presumed drowned) in Wowtown Lagoon last October, stepped up to challenge left-field majority leader Al Camus, the groundhog.
In spite of an overwhelming public push, initially groundhog Al was reluctant to enter the political arena. But now challenged by his old pal Balls, he seems to have embraced politics with an unprecedented fervor.
Even so, hot current issues, like the new Flower Power Plant on the edge of Wowbegon Lake and President Bush's refusal to provide even a dime of federal disaster relief funds to Wowtown after recent floods and fires (indeed even refusing to acknowledge Wowtown as a true American city!), were left entirely untouched as the candidates instead resorted to a volley of heated mud slinging which began when Al warned the assembled crowd to beware of Balls's "Slimy, eight legged politics".
Balls retorted with accusations about the groundhog: "He's got underground dealings that you and I know much too little about. Look at his dirty hands! Always digging the dirt this one, how can we trust him??!"
AL: "You compulsive slime ball, at least I'm not afraid to get my hands a little dirty. But look at you! Washing, washing...all the time. What dirty secrets can't you get off YOUR hands??!"
BALLS: "If it's dirty politics you want, well, I'll give you...you...you dirty..."
AL: "Aw, you're all wet! You're sunk! In over your head! Why don't you go jump in a lake where you belong, leave politics to the big boys!"
With this Balls was struck dumb. Not only was Al many, many times smaller than he, but when he looked over at the groundhog he couldn't help but remember what good friends they'd always been up until now, playing together in the same bands and such. When Al was just a tiny newborn Balls would play catch with him, tossing him in circles between each of his eight tentacles while standing on his head, Al giggling the whole time.
Balls slithered rapidly away from the podium and quickly sulked his way towards the Lagoon. He felt the tears running, but no one would have noticed. It was true, he was all wet and he knew it. The people loved Al, he was town mascot after all. Sure they liked to hear Balls banging away at the piano now and then but...
Suddenly a tiny spider, Jimmy Huxley, caught up from behind and said "Don't give up. You've got our vote, Mr. Jordan!"
Maybe he was living the high life too high. He'd been enjoying himself all right, and why not?
But maybe a little too much...
Wednesday morning vagabond Pete, (all black except for a patch of gray between his hind legs) woke up in the gutter in front of the Tailspin Tavern. This had happened before, and though no real harm had ever been done he was never too proud of it. A chunk of missing memory is like a clump of missing hair from a routine street fight: the wind carries it away as if it were never there and on you go with your life, but you're screwed when someone pulls a fast one on you. "Remember when ...?" No, you don't, but how can you be sure it DIDN'T happen?
But this particular morning was a little EXTRA disturbing. Pete didn't feel good at all. His back left leg was all out of whack and hurt like hell, and most of his tail was missing. If he couldn't find it and put it back on somehow, he'd be sporting a stump from now on.
"What, oh what, could have happened to my tail?" said Pete the Cat. "Oh dear, oh dear, am I in a nightmare? What the Hell?"
He got himself the morning edition of this very paper, sat on it and began to read, hoping a story or a clue would lead him in the right direction. There was only one curious item, towards the very back of the paper, which had any hint of promise. Amongst amusing but slightly disturbing ads featuring pictures of near naked humans in ridiculous poses was an advertisement for (among other things) a "Cat O' Nine Tails" at a location in the red light district, not too many blocks away. So he set off limping towards the address because maybe a feline so fortunate as to have nine tails might be willing to give one up.
With his slowed gait he didn't arrive until nearly sundown. It was a curious shop, but he suppressed his curiosity, skipped the shopping and approached the voluptuous human woman at the counter.
"Excuse me please Miss, I wonder is the Cat O' Nine Tails here just now?"
The woman laughed and turned towards a doorway to a back room behind her.
"Henry!" she said, "better come out here, we've got some cat looking for the Cat O' Nine Tails!" Her manner of speaking was not without a dark edge, but it was nothing compared to the roar of the menacing, hooded and leather clad giant who came out from the room behind bearing a multi-tassled and very nasty looking whip!
"What have we here?!!" he roared. "So, you want a little of this action do you, you varmint?!!" he screamed while cracking the whip on the floor just inches in front of Pete, who was so stunned he forgot his injured leg as he turned to flee! He twisted and fell, and judging by the wind up his backside if he'd still had a tail it would have caught the second crack of the whip! Perhaps by sheer rush of adrenaline alone he managed to projectile himself out the door and in fact all the way straight out of town on his three remaining good legs before he slowed back to a pained hobble and dared to look behind to see that he was not pursued.
As the sun went down Pete found himself in Marshy Meadow near Wowbegon Lake and limped into a field of cattail plants where he collapsed into a curl. As his racing heart gradually slowed back to it's normal pace, he watched longingly as all those tails waved mockingly yet hypnotically in the breeze at twilight. After a long while, he fell asleep and had pleasant dreams of dancing featherless pheasants.
If any one has seen any trace of Pete's tail or has any knowledge regarding it's disappearance please contact the Wowtown News!
Kerry, Bush Visit Wowtown
I wake up in pitch blackness, where am I? I must have dozed off in this much-too-comfortable sofa here in my office on the first floor of the Wowtown News building. I reach for the matches on the side table and light up a candle. It's nearly midnight. Everyone's gone home but I hear some street sounds outside. I lift the blinds and peer out the window onto Kim Novak street. I am seeing something very strange.
It appears that George Bush and John Kerry have made a probably ill-advised campaign stop, together, here in little old Wowtown! They are walking up the street surrounded by an entourage of colorful oddballs (nothing unusual in that) and they both appear curiously tiny. But that's the old larger-than-life syndrome, I suppose, when you're seeing people for the first time in person who you are used to viewing only on television and in news photos, it always seems like they are much smaller than you thought they'd be.
They are getting closer now and in fact I see now it is only their bodies which are tiny, their heads are actually very large, maybe two feet tall! They've both got very large heads and very tiny bodies. Their heads are grotesque in person, they are obviously and understandably very tired, but I'd have to say the cameras have been very kind. I can hear them giggling and laughing like school kids but their mouths are frozen in hideous smiles! They've come right up to the window now and are jeering at me and jumping up and down! Now George has pulled a large microphone from his handbag and is striking John repeatedly! John strikes back hurling George to the ground and as his head hits the pavement it breaks loose and is now rolling free of it's tiny body!
...wait... hold the press! Under that big smirking face is a very small giggling head, a child's head, still comfortably attached to it's little body. It was a mask, it's Halloween of course! What's with these kids these days, scaring me this way? Sure, politicians can be ghoulish and monstrous, but I don't like this mix of politics and what should be the pure pleasures of vampires, ghosts and dark groundhog rituals.
I close the blinds on them in a huff and in so doing accidentally blow out the candle. Again it's black. I lay back down on the sofa. I could just sleep here but now I'm no longer relaxed, and something about this office just doesn't feel right. I may just be rattled from those kids but something about this dark room... I reach around again for a match, and one is put into my hand.
Happy Halloween from all of Wowtown! And may it be more frightening than the outcome of the upcoming election. Please Vote on Tuesday!!
-Thomas Truax 10/04
Wowtown Secedes
The entirety of Wowtown and surrounding Crossbone County, including Wowbegon Lake, collectively and spontaneously uprooted itself today from U.S. soil and took to the air. This massive island, like a huge chunk of sod, rose about 200 feet in altitude and floated gracefully and silently over neighboring states casting a shadow that created some confusion and alarm below but mostly just curious stares. Those witnessing it's passage from underneath were greeted by a few dangling worms, tree roots and groundhogs waving from the now bottomless ends of their holes as they passed. The island floated east and slightly south slowly, like a cloud, and eventually headed out over the Atlantic Ocean, where it came back down to rest on the water's surface and gradually moved out to sea.
