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This originally appeared in Antimatters Magazine.




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ASK MAJOR MATT
ASK
MAJOR
MATT
answering
questions
about
love,
dating,
or
Kansas
December 27th 2002
This originally appeared in Antimatters Magazine.




To submit a question write to

All questions will be printed anonymously

Dear Major Matt,
Where can I take my date... in Kansas?
This is a somewhat broad question - and a little ambiguous, since the actual term "dating," in my experience in Kansas, is not often used. Most people opt for the phrase "hanging out," which is less likely to imply the even more uncomfortable concept of romance. Conventional romance is a hard thing to come by in Kansas. When is the last time you saw a film or TV show where a young couple overcame the trials of life to form a life-long bond of passion and personal growth set in the whirling streets of downtown Wichita? Kansas is on the wrong side of the rainbow for such formalities and, for the most part, love is something that just happens or doesn't. Either way, alone or with someone, you're still going to wake up in a place that the majority of the country finds synonymous with the conservative white middle class. Which is about as true as the thought I had as a kid, growing up, that everything cool in the world comes from either New York City or Los Angeles. So, in light of this little linguistical translation, there are a few places that I found, in my 23 years of experience there, are decent for hanging.

The Good Shepherd Episcopal Church Parking Lot in Lenexa, Kansas.

This one requires a car. Over-looking several acres of a well-kept community baseball and soccer field, the lot takes on a sort of ominous glow on foggy nights, when lit by surrounding street lamps. An excellent place to make out until your lips hurt. This was the first place I ever had sex - God is my witness! The front of the church displays an impressive seated statue of Moses before the burning bush (no pun intended) which, while under the influence of Marijuana, bears a striking resemblance to The Buddha. Less than four blocks away, a 24-hour Circle K covers all your dining and rolling paper needs, and the baseball field pitchers mound offers a three hundred and sixty degree scenic view of the complete grounds, church, and surrounding strikingly similar sub-division duplexes. Imagine the hours of fun to be had on a Friday night speculating on the reactions of all the little leagers that will fill the field the next morning as they come upon your used condom and cigarette butts.

The I-35 Concrete Walking Bridge (located just before the downtown Shawnee Exit Ramp).

This sturdy little overhead foot bridge spans the entire length of six lane highway that is I-35, marking the Purgatory point of my upbringing, ten miles outside of the Inferno that is downtown Kansas City and just before the Paridiso of the outer 'burbs. A grand place for hallucinogens. The entire bridge is encased in sturdy chain-link fence, eliminating any potentially embarrassing incidents resulting from sudden urges to fly. The rush of on-flowing traffic beneath you is like feeling your blood rushing through your veins. And if you are lucky enough to have one of the many semi-trucks blow its horn just as he passes underneath, then, really, as long as you live, sex will seem merely a cheap substitute for this experience.
The bridge is just a hop skip and a jump away from Perkins, a 24 hour chain restaurant perhaps a hair more upscale than Denny's. An excellent place to share a whipped cream hot chocolate with someone special or feast upon a fine array of tan food.

And finally Joe's Donuts in Lawrence, Kansas.

Now there is a fair amount of controversy about where the ultimate fried glazed donut was born. The East coast Krispy Kreme contingent immerse their stores in historical black and white prints of old fashioned donut trucks and group photos of clean cut donut workers in their little bow ties. And to be honest, I don't really care. There is no Krispy Kreme in Lawrence, Kansas. There is Joe's. And starting at 6:15 every night, except Sunday, Joe's s guarantees fresh glazed donuts, hot out of the grease a quarter after the hour until 2 am and then (since all the bars close at 2am in Lawrence) it's a non-stop fry-fest until three. The best thing about Joe's is that there are no seats. So if you want your donuts hot, and you know it's just not the same unless they're hot, you have to pull up the nearest curb or sidewalk outside. What could be more romantic that licking donut icing off of your drunken sweethearts fingers as you share a chocolate milk and stare at the broken Texaco gas station sign across the street?


ASK
MAJOR
MATT
answering
questions
about
love,
dating,
or
Kansas
To submit a question write to

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January 8th 2003
Major Matt,
What is your position on Viagra.  I mean, if everyone else is taking it, do I need to, just to stay competitive? Erectile dysfunction is not a problem for me; however, I feel I need to take it just to "fit in."
Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,
Keeping It Up With the Jones'
Well, Keeping-

First, I want to say that I'm neither a doctor nor a Psychiatrist but I do have a penis and a computer. So, with that said, I checked out the Viagra section of the Pfizer company website, the makers of Viagra as well as a number other fantastic prescription and over the counter medicines and products including, Ben Gay, Zoloft, Visine, and Bubblicious, to better educate myself about this much talked about, relatively new, wonder drug that fixes the somewhat recently exposed epidemic of Erectile Dysfunction.  "In fact," and I quote, "about 30 million men in the United States have E.D. to some degree."

Hey, Keeping, please forgive me but I couldn't help notice though you did express a desire to take Viagra while at the same time claiming not to have Erectile Dysfunction. And from what I could gather from the great folks at Pfizer (also the makers of Listerine) and their very informative website is that Viagra is a prescription drug that was created for the purpose of curing E.D.

So, I was thinking that perhaps there is a very slim chance that you could have E.D. "to some degree," and just not know it.  But then I thought to myself: What the hell exactly is E.D. anyway? Okay, it's when you're penis doesn't get hard when you want it to.  But how does that work. Well, Luckily the good people at Pfizer (also the makers of Lubriderm) have provided a nice four part description of "what usually happens when a man is sexually excited" or what I like to call "getting wood."

1. The arteries in the penis relax and widen (this allows more blood to flow into the penis).
2. The increased blood flow causes the penis to become hard and erect.
3. The veins that normally carry blood away from the penis get compressed (this restricts the blood flow out of the penis).
4. More blood begins flowing in and less flows out, making the penis larger; this causes an erection.

Wow, I think I'm getting excited just reading about it. All that restricted blood flow and compressed vein talk. So, looking at it this way your boner is really just sort of a freak occurrence due to some design problems with the male body. So, if you wanna look at it as though healthy consistent blood flow in and back out all your limbs (including your 3rd leg) keeps them loose and healthy. The process of maintaining a flaccid penis while being sexually aroused is actually better for you circulatory speaking. But that doesn't get the water out of the hose to put the fire out. Does it?

So, in the interest of helping all closeted Viagra craver's in the Antifolk community and around the world, like yourself, I'm gonna reveal some personal info.  I'm a 32 year old guy who's been in a monogamous relationship for almost four years and likeokay so maybe once or twice I've had some slow starts in raising the flag for the troops to salute, as it were. You know what I'm saying? 30 million men!  Maybe we both have "E.D. to some degree?" I mean, I thought I was just a little tired or perhaps too drunk but after glancing at this little Q&A brought to you by the good people at Pfizer (also the makers of the Schick Silk Effects Plus Razor for Women) I'm not so sure:

Q- I don't have ED because the problem doesn't happen often. Does this mean that VIAGRA isn't for me?   

A-Even if it happens once in a while, it's still ED. Most men with ED have it just some of the time. VIAGRA has helped more than 16 million men around the world with their ED. And VIAGRA helps treat ED whether it happens often or only once in a while.

In fact I'm thinking about getting myself down to my doctor's right away after reading this little comment.

A- If you have chest pains, dizziness or nausea during sex stop having sex and immediately tell your doctor you have had this problem.

My whole body hurts sometimes after sex (especially after peeling off the candle wax) and I get dizzy almost every time I get jiggy these days.  Maybe we don't need Viagra. Maybe we just need to join a gym?  Forthermore, thanks to this great website and the people at Pfizer (also the makers of Rolaids) I also realized that something that's been happening to me ever since I was a kid could be a serious problem, Check it out:

If an erection lasts for a long time (more than 6 hours), it can permanently damage your penis.

But, seriously, in a few noted incidents Viagra has caused men to have "prolonged erections that lasts more than 4 hours." Which may sound cool but could be a serious problem...especially if you were planning on doing any jogging anytime soon after making love.  But, then I came upon this little statement:

You will not get an erection just by taking this medicine. VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited.

So, perhaps the problem doesn't have anything to do with you penis. Perhaps your desire to "fit in" as you put it has more to do with your ability to get and remain sexually excited. So, let me suggest something like scented candles, oils or perhaps renting a pornographic videotape. Or better yet try reading a couple of these personal success stories taken from viagrastories.com:

"Like a Teenager"
I have had problems recently getting a full erection and it has started affecting my relationship with my girl. I got a sample pack of Viagra, and let me say that this stuff is the bomb. I took one before we watched a movie the other night, and then we had sex about three hours later. I haven't been that hard since I was a teenager. She was so turned on by my erection. She immediately began sucking and licking my penis. I could tell she loved it. Then she rode me hard and came many times. Then I rolled her over doggy style and gave her a few more orgasms before burying my load in her.  - Age 32, Colorado

"Overcoming Nervousness"
I started having an affair with a younger, super-sexy co-worker about two months ago. I was very nervous and had tremendous anxiety about going to bed with her. Sure enough, the first time we tried I could not perform. I felt worthless and could not believe that I blew an opportunity to be with a woman so incredibly beautiful. I decided to give Viagra a try and discreetly ordered 5 100mg. tablets. The next time we were together things were wonderfully different. My cock was hard enough to cut through diamonds and I couldn't believe how full and swollen it was. We had great sex that day and have continued to do so. It is my little secret, but I want to share with other men that Viagra does work. I take half a tab most times, but a full tab gives me the ability to go multiple times with a great hard-on. - Age 37
Any more questions?
Major Matt

Just a little side note to remember:
The most common side effects of VIAGRA are headache, flushing of the face, and upset stomach. Less common side effects that may occur are temporary changes in color vision (such as trouble telling the difference between blue and green objects or having a blue color tinge to them), eyes being more sensitive to light, or blurred vision. If you use nitrate drugs, often used to control chest pain (also known as angina) don't take VIAGRA. Since VIAGRA also reduces blood pressure, your blood pressure could suddenly drop to an unsafe or life-threatening level.